Unmasking Gaslighting: Recognizing, Responding, and Reclaiming Your Reality

Gaslighting is a subtle yet insidious form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone question their own memory, perception, or sanity.¹ It’s designed to make you feel confused, unsure of yourself, and dependent on the manipulator’s version of reality.² The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light (and its film adaptations), where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by subtly dimming the gas lights in their home and denying it.³

Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can manifest in many different ways, often starting small and escalating over time.⁴ Here are some common examples:

• “That never happened.”⁵
  • Scenario: You recall a specific argument or event, and the gaslighter vehemently denies it ever occurred, even with evidence.⁶
  • Impact: You start to doubt your own memory and question if you imagined it.⁷
  • Helping words: “I remember it clearly, and my memory is valid.”
• “You’re too sensitive/emotional.”
  • Scenario: You express feelings of hurt or frustration, and the gaslighter dismisses them, suggesting your reaction is an overreaction or a flaw in your character.⁸
  • Impact: You begin to suppress your emotions, believing they are invalid or a burden.⁹
  • Helping words: “My feelings are valid, and it’s okay to express them.”
• “You’re crazy/insane.”
  • Scenario: When you try to articulate your concerns or experiences, the gaslighter directly attacks your sanity, labeling you as irrational or mentally unstable.¹⁰
  • Impact: This is a direct assault on your self-worth and perception, leading to severe self-doubt.¹¹
  • Helping words: “I am not crazy. My perspective is my own.”
• “I never said that.¹² You’re putting words in my mouth.”
  • Scenario: You quote something the gaslighter said, and they deny it, accusing you of misrepresenting them or twisting their words.
  • Impact: You become hesitant to confront them with past statements, as you expect denial and counter-accusations.
  • Helping words: “I remember you saying that, and it had an impact on me.”
• “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t…”
  • Scenario: The gaslighter uses your love or commitment against you to manipulate your behavior or get you to doubt your own intentions.¹³
  • Impact: You feel guilty for having your own thoughts or desires, believing you’re failing the relationship.¹⁴
  • Helping words: “My love for you doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice my well-being.”
• “Everyone agrees with me, not you.”
  • Scenario: The gaslighter falsely claims that others share their opinion and not yours, isolating you and making you feel alone in your perspective.
  • Impact: You feel ganged up on and might withdraw, believing your views are universally rejected.
  • Helping words: “I value my own thoughts, regardless of what others may think.”

What to Do If You Feel You Are Being Gaslit

Recognizing gaslighting is the first and most courageous step.¹⁵ If you suspect you’re a target, here’s what you can do:

1. Trust Your Gut Feeling: This is crucial. If something feels off, it probably is. Your intuition is a powerful tool. Listen to yourself.
2. Keep Records: If possible, document interactions.¹⁶ This could be texts, emails, or even a private journal where you write down events, conversations, and how they made you feel. This provides tangible evidence against their denials.
3. Validate Your Own Reality: Remind yourself of what you know to be true. Say it out loud if you need to: “I know what happened. I saw it.” Your experience is real.
4. Seek Outside Perspectives: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.¹⁷ They can offer an objective viewpoint and help you see the manipulation for what it is. You are not alone.
5. Set Boundaries: This can be incredibly difficult, but it’s essential.¹⁸ Clearly state what you will and will not tolerate. For example, “I will not discuss this if you continue to tell me I’m crazy.” Protect your peace.
6. Disengage from the Argument: Gaslighters thrive on your confusion and distress.¹⁹ If you find yourself in a circular argument where your reality is being attacked, it’s okay to say, “I’m not going to continue this conversation right now,” and walk away. Your mental health matters.
7. Focus on Their Behavior, Not Their Words: Instead of trying to convince them of your reality, focus on how their actions make you feel. “When you deny what you said, I feel confused and dismissed.” This shifts the focus from who is “right” to the impact of their behavior. Communicate your feelings.
8. Prioritize Your Well-being: If the gaslighting is pervasive and deeply affecting your mental health, consider reducing contact or, if necessary, ending the relationship. You deserve respect and clarity.

Remember, gaslighting is a form of abuse. It erodes your self-esteem and makes you doubt your own sanity.²⁰ Recognizing it is powerful, and taking steps to protect yourself is an act of self-love and strength. You are resilient, and you deserve to live in a reality that is clear and true to you.